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CUSTOMS- IMMIGRATION – AIRPORT SECURITY – POLICE- ETC.
First of all I would like to say that always remember these people are here for OUR safety. When dealing with these individuals I have always found the approach of HOW CAN I ASSIST YOU IN ASSISTING ME to be the best policy. Often people, in other countries, that hold any type of authoritarian position, tend to want to push their position past the proper extent. We as Americans tend to give off a bit of a pampas attitude as a reaction. The service and security people get this same type of response over and over again and they are really ready to push people through the typical “less than desirable” experience. It is just the way it goes – so what I have always done is acted differently than the mass. First of all I immediately thank them for pulling me out of line to thoroughly check my spaces. I also let them know that I realize that they are there for my safety and security and I appreciate the fact that they will do their job so well. Then I smile and try to get them to smile. While traveling it is so easy to get uptight or upset. Many travelers get to that point very quickly. Remember that the agents we run across for the most part have had it and heard it all day long, yesterday, and tomorrow. Killing them with kindness is the best way to get through authoritarian situations. Tell the police chief, that just stopped you at a roadblock and wants to go through your personnel baggage, that you are amazed at what a good job the police are doing and that you have never felt more secure in Jamaica and that you will be sure to bring back all of your friends to meet him and then ask him what his name is, shake his hand as he is suddenly finishing the search, smile at him. It is really just that easy. If you give them the normal “WHITEY” response with attitude the search will take forever and it may just well produce some illegal substance that you never possessed and it will cost at the least $500 US to get moving on your way again. The result will always be yours to own. So that is the overview. Now let’s get a little more specific.
Air Port security- As many of you know the airport security alert is at an all time high. Be smart if you have any question if you can carry on or not –CHECK IT AT THE TICKET GATE – if you happen to be the Einstein that gets held up at the security check point and something is getting confiscated – shut up – smile and happily give whatever it is away to the NICE IMPORTANT HIGH END SECURITY WANT TO BE DUDES. They just want to heat you up so go the other way and be kind and realize that they are there to protect you. I have found that ignoring airport security – no eye contact until physically stopped is the best way to breeze by many of the checkpoints and security stops. BE RESPECTFUL OF THEIR MININUM WAGE EARNING POSITION AND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON AROUND AT THAT BRIEF MOMENT OF TIME. Give them that because more than likely the rest of their dead end lives ….. get my drift?
Immigration- The main thing is to properly fill out the form given to you on the airplane. Leaving blanks on the forms will lengthen the process. I have found a smile along with a HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY SIR/MAAM? is the easiest beginning. If you are really cool (like me) take your sun glasses off your face and look these agents directly in the eye when you talk to them. Make sure that you have certainty in your voice. Know where you are staying (LITTLE BAY BEACH CLUB, LITTLE LONDON POST OFFICE, WESTMOORELAND) and answer all of the questions they ask with clarity and definition. When the immigration officer says “ HMMM Little Bay Beach Club.. I haven’t heard of this one as of yet” Look them in the eye and smile and say “ well now I guess you have” DO NOT be wishy washy or unclear. They are really not in any position to complicate your life or day or really hold you up. However as I say that I can share more than one experience going into say – CANADA – where the immigration and customs agents ruined my existence for a couple of days. If you make a mistake with either of these positions your vacation can come to an abrupt end. There is a copy of the Jamaican Immigrations form on this site – study the form – email me questions – get it right – Hear?
GET A PASSPORT- if not, and you intend to remain in the 1970’s, use your ORIGINAL (yes that means no copies) STATE ISSUED BIRTH CERTIFICATE (not the one from the hospital) and your NON-EXPIRED DRIVERS LICENSE OR PICTURED STATE ID CARD. I have actually sent someone, from OHARE airport, home alone as they did not have the proper current identification. No REFUNDS for flights- no vacation – just find your way home. Lets be on our toes people we are, after all, traveling internationally.
Ok so we are past the pesky immigration officer. There is a money exchange in the same area just after the immigration area but before you go downstairs to baggage claim and Customs. This would be a great time to exchange $100 US for Jamaican – Exchange rate has been 64. something J to the dollar. Basically $1200 J is $20 US. The very best place to exchange money is on the black market and I will be the only one taking advantage of that. So the next best place is the BANKS. They give accurate daily exchange rates and are a safe place to exchange money with receipt. DO NOT BE THE SMART DRUNK DUDE WHO WENT OUT BEHIND THE BAR IN THE ALLEY WAY TO GET ROBBED while exchanging your money with your new best Jamaican. Many merchants will let you use US Dollars but will F@&# you on the exchange. Like 60 to one instead of 64.something to one. So get the first hundred at the airport (like 61 to 1) and we will make scheduled runs to town to exchange money. I will also personally be prepared to have plenty of J on hand to exchange at 64 to 1 or whatever the current daily rate is.
So now we have cleared immigration and we have $6200 J in our pocket- its down the stairs to baggage claim we go. In 16 years of traveling to Jamaica Luggage was lost once - 9/06 . There are counters and customer service agents available to assist you in locating your lost luggage. This is a great time to smile A LOT and even tip if you feel it will help. Keep appositive attitude – this is a simple setback. Worst case is you get a shopping spree in Jamaica. Best case is they locate the luggage and will deliver it to WHEREVER it is that you are – Even remote Little Bay. OK so lets assume that you luggage has shown up and you are ready to go through customs. The best way is through the “nothing to declare” line and smile a lot and ask the officer how their day is going and stand firm that all you have with you is your personal belongings and nothing to sell or for gifts. If you get sent over to the “something to declare” line for further investigation do it with confidence. You have done nothing wrong they just want to see if they can skim some money off of you. REMEMBER THIS NOW - EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE IN JAMAICA IS ON THE TAKE. They are experts at this – seasoned veterans – plenty of practice. Do not be fooled they will take you for every last cent you can give- without guilt or intended malice. This is the way of the WORLD ladies and Gentlemen. If you are not ready for a life changing experience THIS IS NOT THE VACATION FOR YOU!!!!! Ok back on track – you have been sent over to the “something to declare line” I always go to the youngest female and I tell her that the other agent in the “nothing to declare” line has sent me over to the PRETTY LADY TO LOOK THROUGH MY BAGS. I ASSUMED THAT THEY MEANT YOU?? Bat yours eyes and smile. Let her know that all you have is you personal items that you will be taking with you upon departure to the states. Then SHUT UP. Answer any mundane questions standing firm that everything that you have brought is for yourself and you will be taking it with you upon departure back to the states. If they decide to charge you duty for something then at this point you have lost this battle and the best policy is to be quiet and take it. If you argue here you are only digging your grave deeper. If they decide that you are going to pay some money today then you are – that is it. Giving a DVD player to the Boss of Customs that day only gets the end to come faster- you will still pay. I have had the experience to personally meet most of the customs agents and I have this way of working with them- Don’t try to figure it out – Just avoid it. The less interaction with these folks the better.
So whew – you made it through the final check point and you go through these big doors into the “less secure” area of the airport. Here you HAVE TO wait for others in the party to clear through the chaos. This is the best reorganizing area. If you go outside at this point you will not get back in. NO EXCEPTIONS. So you have to meet the group in the area after Customs but before exiting the airport. There will be Taxi drivers, resort recruiters, and rental car agents soliciting your wallet. Politely say “ everything OK boss”, “No Thank You mon” or “everything IRIE I have a ride” when they pursue, STOP, look them in the eye and tell them you are in good shape. Do not give them any room as they will take that and then some. Say “thank you mon, if I need anything I will come and find you” or a firm “RESPECT MY BROTHER” this will usually get the point across. There will also be security and RED CAPS all over wanting to help you and push you out of the airport. Hold your ground and let them know that you have someone in process that you must wait for. They will then leave you alone. If you do get pushed out into the world before you get your party or your bearings just find a spot close to the exit and wait for the remaining people in the group. You will be bombarded with taxi drivers, potential merchants and even LADIES looking for a date. This IS NOT the time to start making friends. Be polite yet EXTREMELY firm. “NO THANK YOU MON” is the proper answer.
So let us assume that you and everyone in the party is together and all moving out into the World of Montego Bay. Remember once out of the airport, you cannot go back in. We will have a driver waiting outside this point for you. If it is not me it will be one of my agents. They will have a sign with your name on it. You will also know their name. My (Matt Mueller) phone number in Jamaica is 876-439- 8090. The drivers names will be Richie 876-368-0376, Romie 876-442-37212, or Ponya 876-357-0645. Often I have arrived and for whatever reason the timing was imperfect. Road blocks, late flights, hang ups in customs/immigration, all kinds of things can cause this interaction to be less than perfect. Worst case scenario- Pull out $100 J from the $6200 you have and go to the nicest looking taxi driver (who are EVERYWHERE) and ask them to make a call to your driver. Give them the drivers number or give them mine. They will usually be happy to dial the phone and hand it to you to complete the call. Find out where the driver is at and how long they may be. You are safe here – DO NOT VENTURE OFF OF THE AIRPORT GROUNDS ON YOUR OWN. This will not be a good experience. Remember I will be on the island and I will make sure that it all goes smoothly. More than likely the driver will be ready and waiting for you as soon as you crest the outside world of Montego Bay. If not – don’t panic go to plan B – worst case locate airport security or the police and ask for assistance as they are there to help you. These people will be in uniform and easily identified. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE BE PERSUADED TO GO SOMEWHERE WITH SOMEONE YOU JUST MET. You will likely be hot, thirsty, tired, and near wits end. Hold it together and have your DRIVER negotiate a beer or water or whatever you may need. Otherwise keep to yourself and interact with as few others as possible.
OK we made the connection with our designated driver and we are loaded and off to Little Bay. There are many roadside stops to make for Red Stipe, Jerk Chicken, or spliffs. DO NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH STANGERS AT THE AIRPORT OR ALONG THE ROAD. ANYTHING AND I MEAN ANYTHING, CAN BE GOTTEN FOR YOU BY ME OR ONE OF THE DRIVERS. So many times I have taken people and they decide to get cool and make their own connections. Everyone is really nice and wants to take care of your every need. Making alliances outside of our crew has only ever led to one thing- Trouble- police- Jail. I have never been to Jail in Jamaica- there is absolutely no reason for anyone else to go – not on my shift. I HAVE WALKED AND BLAZED A TRAIL FOR YOU – FOLLOW ME – IT WILL BE AMAZING. If you decide that you need to be the man and run you own course….do us both a favor – go on someone else’s trip. I will say it again ANYTHING THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLE THINK OF – I MEAN ANYTHING – CAN BE GOTTEN FOR YOU. Don’t be embarrassed to ask us for whatever is on your mind. This is a vacation and we can accommodate every request within reason. Let me or my crew take care of your requests. This may require your patience but I promise if you follow my protocol success will be yours.
ROAD TRAVEL
At this point you are in really good hands and the trip will begin to get fun and exciting. The road is really crazy and the traffic drives on the opposite side of the road than we do in the States. Road conditions, speeds, traffic laws, Police, Roadblocks, ETC are all part of the experience. Take it all in. Do not let any of this be a source of your stress. The trip to Little Bay will likely take around two hours. The driver may take the Ocean side route which is beautiful however longer than the mountain pass. The ocean side route takes you through Negril while the Mountain pass goes through Savanna La Mar and the food market. Either way is an experience in itself. If it matters to you – ask your driver which way he plans to go and if you have a preference let them know. Ultimately you get to the same destination. Once you get off the main road – Yes that is the name – the main – you will get on to some pretty interesting travel ways- I do not call them roads as they are single lane and often unpaved. Do not panic there is a PARADISE awaiting you at the end. If you ever wonder or have questions feel free to talk to your driver. They all speak great English and they all have a wonderful sense of humor. From time to time other guests may arrive and be sharing the shuttle with you. This is a great chance to meet a new friend. Remember this is what these people do for a living. I will make arrangements for the shuttles to cost $25 US per person each way. Plan for this. They usually charge $50 per head each way. If there are other guests there is no reason to get a conversation going about what your rate is versus theirs. They will not be staying at the same resort and they will have completely different terms. The number one way to piss of a JAMAICAN is to expose their scandal. THEY ALL HAVE ONE. Let’s not be that stupid AMERICAN with the foot in the mouth. You may find one in the tail if you……Again if you are going to be one of those been there, done that, know it all tourists- go on a different vacation. An all exclusive Sandals type trip will better suit you. This is the real deal – few people in the world, and even fewer that go to Jamaica, have an experience like the one you are on. It is not for everyone. Decide who you are and where you want to be. We do have a relationship in Negril with a brand new resort – maybe this is more your speed. Ask me about this. If you tend to need a little more maintenance then let’s get you on the trip that best suits your needs. You can always do the all-inclusive Negril Beach trip and make day trips to see Little Bay. It is all up to you – this is YOUR vacation.
ARRIVAL INTO LITTLE BAY
This place is magical. It is like this lost little world to civilization. We have it set up with all of the amenities needed for secure, relaxing fun. Although there are the usual suspects to deal with, in a very short time you will have met just about all of them and you will soon understand who they are and what the motive is. Every person you run across in Little Bay will know who I am. You can always pull out the “I am one of Mr. Matt’s guests” and you will be treated with respect and decency. I have never had any problem with anyone in Little Bay. Remember that we are a source of livelihood for these people. They also know this. Your interactions will be pleasant and exciting. Many of the locals will have a service or trade of some sort to entice you with. Go for it- have fun – when in question ask one of the guides or myself, we will steer you in the right direction. Use common sense – if you feel uncomfortable or if it just doesn’t smell right to you, politely decline and move on. NO PROBLEM MON!!! With a couple of exceptions, you can trust everyone in the bay. The three BAD BOYS in town are Poppie, Yellow man, and Boot. I actually find them to be quite interesting specimens. I have known them all for more than 15 years. They all know me and what I am capable of. If you have a run in with any of this crew, worst case, let them know that you will be talking to me about whatever the issue is and you will get a very respectful response. Anything short of that let me know. I have my ways of dealing with this crew. Believe it or not there is honor among the “yardies” and I have earned that position.
It will take at least one day to get over the Culture shock and Travel lag. I would NOT recommend going for it the very first day. The travel, the food, the weed, and the SUN will all take effect on you. I would recommend getting to bed at a decent time the first night to be ready to “give er” on the second or third day. The quicker you can get your bearings and out of the dazed and confused initiation period the quicker you will get regular and on to the amazing adventure of Jamaica. There is sooooo much to do. I would STRONGLY recommend working with one of our guides. They will be identified upon your arrival. Fabian, Tyrone, Fisher, Fishie, uncle sam, Peaches, Tecia, Duco, and Kitty are some of the familiar names that you will grow to know and love. Mashy, Raphael, Mike Shae, Toby, and more will have specific adventures and cool events to participate in. They will all have a price if it is no less than a red stripe or some lunch. TAKE CARE of the guides. Tip them WELL. If you want to go on a fishing trip with Mashy, plan to bust your tail section pulling fish in by hand, and in the end paying for the fish you caught. That is the way of Jamaica- everyone needs to get theirs. The experience will be unparalleled- Like nothing you’ve ever experienced – I PROMISE!!
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